[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
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65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Why I divorced her.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.