The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
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It still works 🤷🏼♀️
did it work
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Just this preview of the story is enough
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
accurate
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.