LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
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My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true