“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
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*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora