@IGotsSmarts

“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

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@chelseaanet

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

@mattZillaaaa

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

@FatherWithTwins

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

@scarfgoat

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

@LackOfShame

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

@goodgrief_rats

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

@ceejoyner

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

@Jake_Vig

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

@spekulation

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.