“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.

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Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.


[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else


Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.


my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it


Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.


I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?


2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”


[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”


Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.