My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
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I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison