The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
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My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
#MeanwhileInCanada
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Mood.. 😂
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.