Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
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One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda