Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.