Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
A great tip. #CakeRex
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now