My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
You Might Also Like
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”