Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
You Might Also Like
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Probably my best painting.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
“you recording!?”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears