My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”