Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
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“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.