Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
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I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”