Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
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Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good