People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
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There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.