Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
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I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
“How’s your day going?”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.