Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.