The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
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Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
harry potter: i鈥檓 depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn鈥檛 so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Best seat on the street 馃槏
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Me: Don鈥檛 forget we鈥檙e wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I can鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
i think we should see other cousins
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
馃槜馃挩
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I love watching people parallel park. It鈥檚 like a sporting event for me. There鈥檚 betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don鈥檛 be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
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1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.