The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

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Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible


[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]


If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”


I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.


Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before


Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.


Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.


when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good


It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again