@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

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@sherifsharkawi

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

@gerryhatric

A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.

He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.

@joejwest

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

@CourageDR

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

@iwearaonesie

me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*

@Cpin42

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

@TheToddWilliams

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

@UNDEADTRESOR

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

@MalcInYourWife

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.