@fillthevacuum

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

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@ellle_em

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

@traciebreaux

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

@noog

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

@itsBABYSMITH

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

@SwedishCanary

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

@Jake_Vig

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

@Chhapiness

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

@fro_vo

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again