@fillthevacuum
@sherifsharkawi Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
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@sherifsharkawi 
@gerryhatric A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
@joejwest The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
@CourageDR I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
@iwearaonesie me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
@Cpin42 A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
@TheToddWilliams [Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
@UNDEADTRESOR Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
@MalcInYourWife So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
@distracted_monk I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.