We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
courtroom exchange of the day
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.