Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?