I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
You Might Also Like
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.