As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
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Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
philosophical skeletons be like
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
giddy up Office Depot
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.