French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
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My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?