Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
choose your fighter
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.