If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
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“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.