It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I’m going to need a moment here.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck