William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Holy crap this is wonderful
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.