“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
You Might Also Like
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Ironic
*power walks to the refrigerator*
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??