Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I think the cat got the dog high.
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.