I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
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Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911