Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
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Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.