clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
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My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.