Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
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Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Good morning
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.