me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
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[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.