[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
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Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?