How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.