Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*