WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
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I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.