I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys