Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
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[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.