People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
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We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.