Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”