[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
He’s cranky this morning
plums roundup
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Two types of dogs.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now