Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
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I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?