You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
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Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’