I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
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🚲+physics = winner
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Ken is short for chicken
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.