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How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
New mindset, who dis?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
still the best tweet of the year by far
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence