Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
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obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
😅🤣😂
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!