Trying
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
DOOO EEEET
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
congratulations to them
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?